I'm not averse to the odd bit of erotic fiction - I think it's good for the soul, and the sex life, and everything really. And I was quite excited about 'Fifty Shades of Grey' - until I read it. So, sailing against the tide of public opinion, I hereby pledge my hatred of that stupid novel with my ten worst lines from it. In no particular order...

1) 'Her curiousity oozes through the phone'
Really? I would have liked to see that.

2) 'Feel it baby.'
Yuk. Our hero, Mr Christian Grey, constantly says 'baby' this and 'baby' that to the heroine of the novel, Anastasia - and never has the word 'baby' been less sexy and more over-used.

3) 'He's my very own Christian Grey popsicle.'
Are there prizes for the worst description of a blow-job?

4) 'My mom is oozing contrition'
Enough with the oozing, please!

5) 'Mentally girding my loins, I head into the hotel.'
I don't think I could ever mentally gird my loins - in some ways, you have to admire our heroine.

6) 'How does he know?'
Anastasia marvels at her hero's superb contraceptive knowledge. A man who knows that you have to take the mini pill at the same time each day. Now that's something, isn't it? Er, no.

7) 'Suppose he returns with a cane, or some weird kinky implement?' Holy shit, what will I do then?'
At this point Mr Grey has owned up to being seriously into S&M - it'd be odd if he returned with a bunch of flowers or a nice DVD box set. In fact it'd be odd if he returned with anything BUT a cane, or some weird kinky implement.

8) 'You are the most fascinating woman I know.'
Another 'really?' moment. Why does Christian think Anastasia is fascinating? She is so dull and thick and annoying! Ah, but most of the women Christian knows let him tie them up before the first drink, whereas Anastasia (an intellectual literature student who loves Thomas Hardy) takes a little time to consider the offer. Is that fascinating, or is it just a weak and uninteresting plot line that somehow holds this weak and uninteresting story together?

9) Christian Grey: 'You wore my underwear'
Anastasia: 'Did that shock you?'
Christian Grey: 'Yes.'
So speaks a man who likes to tie women to the ceiling and leave them there. Yer what?!

10) Anastasia when cuffed to the bed posts: 'Holy cow, I cannot move my arms.'
Well there's a surprise!

And a line that didn't make it into my top 10 but which perhaps deserves a mention is: 'Oh my!' Anastasia says 'Oh my!' all the time but what does 'Oh my!' mean? Does it mean 'I feel horny?' Or does it mean 'I'm not sure my mum would approve.' Or does it mean 'I want my knickers back'. Tell me, damn it, and then this flat, lifeless, unbelievable character might stand a chance of coming to life! Sorry world, but I've decided that the literary phenomenon of the year is the Enid Blyton of erotic fiction. In fact 'Fifty Shades of Grey' is so bad that I'd rather read 'The Famous Five' or 'The Faraway Tree' - at least they're fun.

Bye for now from Grouchy Carol.

PS If you're looking for good erotic reads, here are some suggestions.

PPS And if you want a beginner's guide to S&M, read this. rather than toiling your way through a badly written trilogy.

And finally if, by some vague chance, you side with the huge wave of womankind who wants to read this stuff, you can buy 'Fifty Shades of Grey', 'Fifty Shades Darker' and 'Fifty Shades Freed' and even the 'Fifty Shades Trilogy Boxed Set' at the allaboutyoubookshop.co.uk - but you know what? I'll be giving books two and three of this particular trilogy a miss.

PPPS I've had messages asking me if I think I could do any better than the author of 'Fifty Shades' - a fair question. Well, I have published a novel called Twelve Hours which includes S&M scenes, so you can judge for yourselves.