Why you're not married - yet

by Bernadette Fallon

Tracy McMillan’s book could just as easily be called ‘Why You’re Not Married Again’, ‘Why You Can’t Find a Partner Post-Divorce’ or ‘Why You’re Still By Yourself Regardless Of Previous Relationship History’. Essentially it’s a guide to why you still haven’t found the one (the one that stayed). And with so many of us single these days regardless of age, it’s going to find a huge audience. The book started life as an article on the Huffington Post last year, it’s still the most-read article ever published on the site. Meanwhile she’s been married three times.


Clearly she knows how to marry. Though apparently not how to stay married. So is the book about how to have, not to hold? And won’t that put people off? Repeatedly marrying sounds a bit exhausting after all.


‘I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes’, says Tracy when I meet to ask her. ‘And this book is sharing my life advice - my personal experience - from the mistakes I’ve made. We all make mistakes, that’s not a problem. The only problem is when we don’t see why we are making them. I’m just someone who says "here’s where your blind spots may be"’.


Too many dating books pander to women, Tracy believes. They spout nonsense – tell you the reason you’re not married yet is because ‘you’re too fabulous’. She’s a refreshing blast of common sense in the middle of a pile of twaddle. She believes she is the first person who has come along and said ‘maybe you should take a look at yourself’. And that – ‘marrying is not about getting married, it’s not about the dress or the guy. It’s a spiritual path where you learn to confront who you are and your journey through life’.


The spiritual aspect of her book is surprising. It’s not normally found in self-help dating guides. So you’ll find thoughts on forgiveness, on the nature of the universe and Zen Buddhism, on choice and choosing to believe the positive, on self love and visualisation. But it’s not heavy or freaky. The whole book is tempered with humour, with common sense and with simple goodness. And some great quotes. Here are just a few of my favourites:


You’ve heard a million times that you need to be a scintillating, interesting, fascinating person if you want to attract the perfect life partner. I’m suggesting you want to be a scintillating, interesting, fascinating person so you don’t bore yourself to death by making men way too important in your life.


I know a great way to take the focus off your feelings: quit paying so much attention to them. On days when my feelings are acting up, I treat them like they are unruly customers in the returns line at Ikea – ‘Yes ma’am, I say to them, I see you and hear you. Now please have a seat and I’ll be with you as soon as I can.’ (I put the emphasis on ‘soon’ so my feelings know I really do care about them, I’m just not prepared to stop everything and let them cut in on my whole f**king day).


The bottom line is that you can only love a man as well as you love yourself.


‘Why You’re Not Married … Yet’ by Tracy McMillan is published by Hardie Grant Books, £8.99. Click here to buy 

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About The Authors

Carla  Griscti

Carla Griscti

Editorial assistant on allaboutyou; Music lover, travel bee and food fanatic.

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Emma Marsden

Emma Marsden

Food consultant of All About You, loves creating something out of nothing and decluttering.

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Bernadette  Fallon

Bernadette Fallon

Editor of All About You; an online journalist with a fetish for glossy magazines.

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Adrienne  Wyper

Adrienne Wyper

Deputy editor of All About You. I love cycling, cooking and creating

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Carol  Muskoron

Carol Muskoron

Associate editor of All About You, loves life (mostly) and one-pan recipes (always).

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