Why secret crushes aren't just for schoolgirls
You're never too old to get a crush on someone, but is it just a harmless fantasy?
It might start off with a high pitched giggle, flushed cheeks or an innocent fluttering in your chest. Before you know it, you’re desperately hoping he’ll stop and talk to you, trying to orchestrate meetings just to give you a chance to see him and even fantasising about his bedroom skills. This man isn’t your husband or partner. He isn’t necessarily someone you know very well. Zumba teacher, work colleague, your vet or a dad you’ve had your eye on at the school gates… who your secret crush is doesn’t matter. It’s the feelings he stirs inside you that count.
‘Although it might make you feel guilty, fantasising about another man is actually fine at any age,’ says relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam, author of the revised edition of 'The Joy of Sex' (Mitchell Beazley, £14.99). ‘It reminds you that you can still have passions in your life and can even help your relationship by making you feel more romantic, flirty and sexual. It only becomes a problem if the crush is a sign that there’s something seriously wrong in your relationship and you find yourself wondering if the grass would be greener on the other side.’
Work is often where it all happens, with a recent study finding over 90 per cent of office-based workers harbouring secret longings over the photocopier. Considering the workplace is a well known hotbed for extra-marital affairs, is a fantasy really a flirt with danger? Not necessarily, says Susan. ‘To find out if it’s threatening your relationship, you should ask yourself three questions: Is this crush taking me away from my partner or my family? Could I go home right now and tell my partner about it? And, finally, how close am I to acting upon it?’
If you came out unscathed, just accept it and enjoy it, suggests Susan. ‘Like any mental obsession, if you try to push it down, it will bounce back. But you could turn it into something light by bringing it out into the open and saying things like, “Oh, if only I was 20 years younger!” Nothing diffuses an obsession more quickly than turning it into a joke.’ The danger comes if you hesitated over the questions and see the object of your crush as a potential partner. With Office of National Statistics showing divorce rates increasing among the restless 40 to 45 group and over 60s, secret fantasies could be a warning sign.
‘Most mid-life divorces are driven by women who don’t want a life of drudgery anymore,’ says relationship expert Christine Webber, author of 'Too Young To Get Old' (Piatkus, £9.99). ‘Also, when we’re younger, we often don’t appreciate our own looks. Then we start getting older and realise what a thing of beauty youth is. The energy, flawless skin... it has such an appeal. We like to look at it and fantasise about it.’
Of course, youth isn’t always the attraction. In a recent survey, 52-year-old Simon Cowell was judged the top guilty pleasure for British women, with overweight radio presenter Chris Moyles coming a close second. Look closely at the object of your affection (funny, rich, sexy, muscular, sensitive?) and he could actually be telling you something. ‘Your crush is a symptom, not a cause, so ask yourself what’s lacking in your own life that you’re looking elsewhere,’ says Christine. ‘The problems don’t necessarily have to be in your relationship. You could be feeling dissatisfied with your job or circle of friends, or be questioning your life after your children have flown the nest. Work out the real root of your discontent and focus on what you need to do to make you happy.’
If the crush is an indicator of an ailing relationship, you need to face up to this too. ‘Talk to your partner and try and find out the reason why you’ve drifted apart,’ says Christine. ‘Tell him how you feel and listen to what he has to say as well. If you feel it’s a relationship worth saving, suggest a couple of sessions of counselling with Relate and pull your focus back in.’
It also means actively weaning yourself off your secret crush. ‘Avoid circumstances in which you’ll see the person you admire and start looking for faults by putting him under the microscope,’ suggests Susan. ‘Notice if he’s going bald or has dirt under his fingernails. Start to debunk the crush and see him in a more realistic light, making him just as fallible as your partner.’ You should consider the guilt, too. ‘Going off with a man you’ve secretly longed for might seem exciting now, but think how guilty you’ll feel and how it might weigh heavily on your relationship. It might be the dose of reality you need.’
So, much like a wet puppy after a long walk, secret crushes look cute and desirable from a distance, but are usually a tad too messy close up. And really, who can be bothered to go through all that training again?
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