I don’t think I love my husband any more

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have never written a letter like this before. And I can't believe I am telling my life story to a stranger but telling a stranger makes it easier. I'm not sure I love my husband any more. We have been together for over 25 years. We have 2 children and 3 grandchildren. But I don't have anything to say to him any more. We do nothing together. I feel my life only exists for my children. I only have a life as their mother. And I am a grandmother of course. But that is all. It sounds so selfish. I think that should be enough. But I won't have any other life as long as I stay with him. He is holding me back. My children would be devastated if we split up. They have no idea how I feel and I know they would blame me for it.

But he is doing nothing to make our marriage work. It would be a big step to be on my own. It scares me. But I don't know how long I can continue like this. I wonder what you would do if you were in my situation?

Kind wishes, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I’m glad you’ve written in. Talking to a stranger is what this is all about - getting an impartial view from the outside. First and foremost, don’t feel guilty! You’re far from being the only woman to feel this way. One day you look round and realise that you don’t know who you are any more. The face in the mirror has grown older, but what have you to show for it? The last 25 years – your young years, the ones where other people do all those exciting things like drive across a desert, or sail round the world – have all been about other people. Children, grandchildren, and husband have been the centre of your universe; but you wonder - whose centre have you been? You, not Mum, Granny, or Mrs X, but the real you?

You’ve become someone who doesn’t seem to exist, and your marriage has dwindled into a habit. Your husband is content with the status quo, and you look at him and wonder where the spark has gone. Why can’t he see how unhappy you are – and do something about it? Have you ever talked, in all those years? He won’t have a clue what’s inside your head if you’ve never shown him. If he’d asked you what you really wanted, you wouldn’t have been able to reply. It’s only now that you’ve had the chance to look up and see that there’s a whole world out there that you’ve never experienced.

It’s not selfish to want to matter because of who you are, not as the person who caters to everyone else’s needs: it’s a cry from the heart. The answer isn’t to pack your bags and physically set off into the unknown, but to establish where you want to go from here. It’s so easy to say what you don’t want: you can see that all around you; but how do you choose a direction to aim for if you don’t know who you are? You have to find a streak of independence, and that’s a lot harder than you imagine, because you’re breaking a long-held habit. Your husband isn’t going to do that for you.

You’re not sure you love him, but you’re not sure you don’t, either. I think you’re angry that he’s so blind, content to let you be this non-person that you feel you’ve become. You believe he should see you as you are – a woman with needs and passions and dreams, a woman with a future. You blame him for doing nothing, while doing nothing yourself, because you’re scared of the change you long for. It is scary: but it’s vital to try.

Only you can take the first step towards the woman you know you can be. Whether that means something simple like finding an interest to follow outside the home – walking dogs at a rescue centre, taking up a craft, checking out any adult education courses that might interest you – or something major like finding a job, or a subject to study at a higher level, is up to you to decide. You will, at last, have put yourself first: and that is the hardest step of all.

You will be changing the world, as far as your family is concerned. What’s wrong with that? It’s your world too, and you’ve put it on hold for them for long enough. So don’t apologise, or settle for second best. It won’t hurt them to have to look at you in a new light; and it may just save your marriage.

Bertiebear

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Would another point of view help in your life? Would you like someone to listen, and possibly suggest a way forward? Send your problems in an email to Bertiebear at editor@allaboutyou.com - or post your issue in the comments box below.

Who is Bertiebear?

Bertiebear has been a regular contributor to the AAY forums for five years. A writer, mother, and grandmother, she has worked in schools and in TV news. She now lives in France, where she spends far too much time in DIY stores when she should be writing.