How to sleep with the man who cheated on you :: infidelity :: relationship advice

How to sleep with the man who cheated on you - sex and relationship advice - Diet & Wellbeing - allaboutyou.com

With Christmas celebrations a distant memory, this time of year can be a little bleak – particularly for relationships. No wonder January is the peak time for couples to file for divorce. A common cause of break-ups is, of course, infidelity. But is it ever possible to forgive and move on when your man has cheated? Sex therapist Anna Kingsley says yes. Here’s how…

Don't blame yourself

Your sex life was not to blame for his affair. Many men who have good sex lives still cheat, and will say that sex wasn’t the reason they strayed. But if sex is something that either of you identify in your past as an issue, you’ll need to work on it if you want to stay together.

Start slowly

Before jumping into bed, restore some of the warmth in your relationship. Build up your everyday affection. Kiss, hug and touch each other as you pass in the corridor. Sit next to each other on the sofa. Kiss him goodbye in the morning. Small gestures will gradually break down the physical and mental barriers his cheating has placed between you.

’Fess up

Be honest about how you’re feeling. Don’t put on a façade in the bedroom. Admit you’re struggling to enjoy sex, and explain the reasons why. Try to be considerate and constructive, though. Remember, if you both want to make this work, you’ve genuinely got to believe there is a loving future for your physical relationship.

Don’t compare and contrast

You’re bound to compare yourself to his lover, but don’t demand details of how you measure up to her. It’s counter- productive and will make his infidelity feel even more real and threatening. Focus instead on how you can improve your love life. Remind yourself that you’ve both decided to stay together – that must mean something in terms of how he feels about you.

Don’t punish him

OK, he’s hurt you badly and you’ve every reason to feel angry. But being so angry that you decide to withhold sex? Don’t. Sex shouldn’t become a weapon which you use to punish each other. And while he may suffer having to go without, chances are you will suffer too.

Set new rules

Your relationship can never quite be the same again. If you, your marriage and your sex life are to survive, you need to take back some control. Together, thrash out new ground rules and keep talking. This should lead to better communication and greater intimacy, which in turn should trigger greater passion.

An unexpected surge of passion

You may find you want to have sex a lot. It’s often an expression of strong emotions, like anger and sadness, that have arisen, or relief you’re trying again. None of this is necessarily wrong – just be aware of your motives.