Sex tips: why less may be more :: Sex tips

Couple kissing in bed - Sex: why less may be more - Your sex life - Diet & wellbeing - allaboutyou.com

Never in the mood for sex?

It may seem that way if it’s always your partner who initiates lovemaking while your own libido seems to have gone into hibernation. But tweaking the frequency of sex could make all the difference, says psychosexual therapist Jean Miller of www.muswellhilltherapy.co.uk

Learn to love your libido

‘It is extremely rare for a couple to have perfectly matched sex drives, both wanting the same frequency of sex,’ Jean explains.

Just like our appetite for food, we all have a baseline libido – the amount of sex we need to keep us satisfied. That baseline may become blurred in the heady early days of a new romance, but once a relationship is established we may find we desire sex far more – or less - than our partner.

Know what’s normal

‘Some people’s ideal is to have sex every day. Others’ needs are far less frequent – once a month for example. There’s nothing wrong with either extreme. Both are completely normal,’ Jean says. ‘The important thing is to understand your own and your partner’s libido, accepting that they may be different and that there is nothing wrong with that. But trying to accommodate your partner’s needs, if that means going along with sex when really you weren’t quite ready for it, can make you feel as if you’ve lost your mojo. For some women it can even cause pain,’ says Jean.

Don’t settle for second best

‘If your partner wants sex three times a week but you would be happier with three times a month, you may never find it as satisfying as it would be if you’d waited until you were really in the mood. That unsatisfying experience then contaminates your memory, making you less inclined towards a repeat performance any time soon. But there is a way around this that will help you to rediscover your libido, and fully enjoy sex again,’ says Jean.

Take control

The idea is to let the partner with the lower libido to set the agenda – and it really can make all the difference. If this is you, you should get more pleasure from it, and feel encouraged to want sex more often too. Ultimately it could be a win-win situation for both of you.

Talk it up

But, Jean warns, ‘good sex also depends on good communication. ‘If you are the one with the lower libido, don’t feel guilted into pretending you’re ready before you really are. And also remember that “waiting till you’re ready” is no excuse to give up altogether.

Be flexible

‘If it seems a very long time – many weeks – before you’re going to be in the mood, try to meet your partner halfway. I normally suggest trying Sensate Focus, a completely non-sexual massage therapy. One rule of this type of massage is that it should not lead directly to sex – but if it inspires you to want sex, so much the better. It is all about reawakening arousal and desire.

Four questions you should ask yourself

‘If you think your own libido really isn’t what it used to be, it’s also worth looking at any underlying reasons why you are not in the mood for sex,’ Jean says.

1. Am I happy with my relationship?
This can have a huge effect on how you feel about your partner sexually.

2. Am I happy in myself?
Depression, stress, and low self-esteem can all disrupt our sex drive.

3. How would I change our lovemaking?
In real life sex is rarely like it is in the movies, but watching a sexy (but not pornographic!) film together can help stimulate ideas for things you would like to try together to bring a bit of excitement back to your lovemaking.

4. Do I need to see the doctor?
Low libido can also be a symptom of some medical problems – so if you can’t see an emotional link, and you think it’s unusual for you, have a chat with your doctor.